9-29-09
And movie nights continue………
Indiana Jones a smash hit, we watched it last week and by ‘it’ I mean a three evening power marathon of all three movies from the Indiana Jones Saga. There was some deep and profound sadness when the Indie trilogy came to a close. It’s been a week since Indie and people are still talking about it.
Where do you go from Doctor Jones? I chose to move onto the Sound of Music, which was to my great surprise and delight an instant success and is perhaps Dwambazi’s new favorite movie. I wasn’t sure if we were ready for musicals but oh we were. I am pretty sure that Ama Chipalasa laughed until she cried tears of joy, her laughter was such that at moments I feared she might wet her pants. My fear may have had more to do with my own hang ups about continence rather than actual risk but the point is there was some powerful laughter.
I scored big with Indiana Jones but I do believe that The Sound of Music or as its been dubbed here “Maria” took it to the next level. In fact I believe we will have an encore viewing of Maria tomorrow night.
10-11-09
And now we have watched the Sound of Music at least 3 times. The love Dwambazi has for Maria has only grown and if I have done nothing else in my time here I have shared one of the greatest films of all time with the good people of Malawi. Children as young as 18 months have been heard saying “Maria” and that brings me joy.
Perhaps some of you noted that I haven’t been myself of recently. There have been some touch and go moments these past couple of months and I decided something had to give. So I stopped taking mephaquin, the evil malaria prophylaxis that’s side effects include depression, irritability and or rage, disturbing dreams, diarrhea….I could go on but I think that should give you an idea of the joys of mephaquin and my mental state. I had no idea my masochism ran so deep that I would continue on with the meph for 16 long months. In all fairness I don’t think it was the mephaquin alone that was giving me such a hard time. I think that I’ve been in a tough spot for awhile and the mephaquin was just exacerbating my already precarious state of being.
As the mephaquin is fading fast from my system I’m feeling oh so much better. Sorry for all of you who had to deal with some angsty letters and emails, you’re good people to stick with my through such unpleasant times. Now that I have my mind back I’m just trying to get back into a routine of being a semi productive Peace Corps volunteer, we’ll see how it goes.
10-14-10
Busy busy beaver here in Dwambazi . Lots of outreaches, chatting, time at the hospital, project planning, thus today I am taking a personal day. I do my best productivity in short spurts. I thought I’d take this opportunity to update you all to some of the more noteworthy events that have happened in the past month or so.
1) The Water Bearer-Water was out for awhile and my garden was in a very fragile state so water hauling a necessity. In one day I carried 7 or 8, twenty liter buckets of water on my head from the borehole to my house (about a 1/16 of a mile). I can’t impress upon you what a feat of strength and tenacity that was. So impressive that a month later I am still talking about it. But seriously I carried somewhere around 150 L of water on my head in one day. I have no qualms putting that on my list of major life accomplishments.
2) The Voice of an Angel-After thinking I should do it but never working up the courage I finally just did it. I burst into song at an under five clinic. Everyone was clapping their hands waiting for someone to start singing so I just jumped on in. There was some stunned silence quickly followed by joy and the realization on my part that my quiet singing to myself around the house sounds very different than my public singing.
3) Hot Hot Heat-It’s that time of the year again. Having rode out one hot season I find I am prepared for the fiery inferno that has descended and I have developed news ways of experiencing the feeling of having set myself on fire. For example I now stretch my arms up towards my roof throughout the day to measure the level of heat radiating off the tin (this experiment may have begun one quiet day while I was doing some yoga to pass the time). At high noon you can feel it pulsating in waves of fiery goodness and it only builds as the day goes on. I have also taken to touching the walls to see how long the bricks will retain heat, they really are quite excellent at holding in heat, nine at night and they’re still very warm to the touch. If only my own personal bread oven of a house actually manifested something delicious like fresh bread or pizza
4) The Second Goal-My Tonga language skills surprise me sometimes, other times they leave me at very inopportune moments but in this case they were with me. Yes Ama Chimbuto that wonderful crazy women who brought such joyous words as bumbu (vagina) into my life raised the bar to new heights when she announced the other day with no provocation that I had a large and powerful vagina. That would be bumbu lakulu ndi lathanzi. The laughter and crassness that ensued was really a beautiful cross cultural exchange. Such that as my friend Mel put it, my vagina is so powerful that it is fulfilling the second goal of Peace Corps.
10-16-10
I’m headed into Lilongwe on Tuesday to submit a grant that I have been talking about submitting for about a year now, we’ll see how it goes. I also need to wrap up some of the final reporting on GLOW.
I’ve been a bit mum on the subject, given my mephaquin induced state of crisis, it didn’t feel like the best time to try to unpack GLOW but I’m sure you’re all eager for a synopsis as I talked of little else for at least six months.
GLOW was simultaneously everything I hoped it would be and more, it was undoubtedly one of the best things I have done in my time here, it was stressful, it went by so fast it was hard to take it all in. There were moments of disappointment where I felt like I had built GLOW up in my mind into something that it could never be and of course I had moments of feeling like I was in way over my head, that I took on a job that I was in no way qualified for. In the fluctuations between the extremes, there was a lot of running around, laughter, tinges of hysteria, exhaustion, sense of accomplishment, and fun.
And hunger, it was damned impossible to find the time to sit down and eat a meal. Two out of every three meals was “eaten” while in motion. I recall on the last day of the camp serving myself delicious rice and beef and greens and thinking how delightful it looked and smelled, how it appealed to every one of my senses. How I longed to take my sweet sweet time with that rice and beef and savory every delicious moment. I remember taking my seat, adding just a touch of salt, and raising the fork to my watering mouth. I’m not sure if the rice and succulent beef made contact before someone came to call on me for something. Perhaps one bite made it in or maybe it didn’t even get that far but I do remember the feeling of profound loss as I shoveled in as much as I could in 45 seconds and then carried on nobly saving the world.
The girls were amazing. There were a crap ton of them. When looking at everything on paper I don’t think we really thought about what 80 girls were going to be like in the flesh. It’s a lot girls and it presented some interesting logistical situations. There were moments where I think we were all tempted to start banging our heads against the nearest available hard surface. The flip side is that a lot of girls got to have an amazing week. Looking back I may have over scheduled them a bit but there’s so much you want to get into a curriculum that it’s hard to tease out what should stay and what should go and it’s all such valuable info. There was lots of fun time, bonfires, a class on body movement and drama and lots of dance magic
Thanks to our fundraising prowess and to all of you awesome folks who donated we were able to provide the girls with some awesome stuffs. Dictionaries, math kits, folders, tee-shirts and bags.
In prepping for the big hand over to next years group and getting the last of the final reporting done, I’ve been going through all our GLOW pictures and videos. Looking back over everything was actually really nice. Like I said GLOW happened so fast it was hard to make heads or tails of things but taking the time to sit and look over the pictures of a pleasant and healthy reminder that GLOW was incredible and I actually did a pretty decent job.
10-20-10
I’ve arrived in Lilongwe. It’s about 2AM now and for some unknown reason sleep is eluding me. Perhaps this is a sign that this is going to be a most productive few days. I’ve already written several emails today, blog will be posted shortly, and then I can move onto big grant writing. Or I may pass out come 6AM as I have been up all night for no good reason.
The night before I left to come here, we watched the sound of music again and the joy just continues to grow. I love hearing Mrs. Chipalasa narrate what’s happening in the film, it cracks my shit up. Bless you Roger and Hammerstein and you too Julie Andrews.
I miss you all and hope that the last few months of your lives have been relatively angst free and that the summer treated you well.
In the next couple months I’ve got some big decisions to make about when I’m coming home and in what capacity (eg student, roust about, employed person) so there should be some exciting news in the future.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Clever Titling Stresses me Out
For those of you who are either loyal enough or masochistic enough to follow my blog I’m sure you noted the eerie silence over the last several months. The reasons are multifaceted and probably not as complex as I make them out to be. In short: GLOW, post GLOW identity crisis, laziness, witch craft trial, mephaquin further inducing post GLOW identity crisis. But fear not beloved friends and family. I believe that my little mini-melt down is under control so the blogging can begin again.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
On those rare days I'm at site......
6-11-10
As I expected the moment I took the time and considerable effort to get my computer out the rain would stop. Rainy season has come and gone but this morning we are being treated to an unanticipated out of season rain. It actually reminds me a bit of Portland in the spring, it’s cold and drizzly. Mind you by cold I mean it’s probably 65 degrees perhaps even 68 at worst I would put it at 60 but no doubt it’s much warmer. As one acclimates to the scorching temperatures here in Dwambazi, they lose their capacity to be any sort of judge of temperature. All I know is whatever the temperature may or may not be it feels damned cold to me.
The rain has resumed, I suspect it’s going to be an on and off again sort of a rain but however light the rain may be it will ensure that no one comes to the hospital, thus affording me the opportunity to collect my thoughts and try to get some back log blogging done. I am sure you all noticed my lack of blog postings and perhaps you have wondered why.
For the last couple of months my schedule has been, Charity comes over after dinner, we practice a little Tonga or just chat, or we have a movie night. Oh the movie nights, we have exhausted my limited supply of movies which is a shame as I enjoy movie nights. Actually that’s a lie; we are still on our way through the BBC special Planet Earth, which Alex left behind and has been a lot of fun to watch together.
Most films that come into Malawi are of the action variety, charming little numbers that uphold heinous gender norms and are chocked full of violence, so it’s nice to be able to offer entertainment that has some educational value and say in the case of the Never Ending Story is full of just pure joy. The Never Ending Story was a big hit, we’ve watched it a couple of times. A surprise hit was none other than Robin Hood Men in Tights. I wasn’t sure if it would go over well but indeed it was much enjoyed.
Bringing this all back to my absence of blogs, I haven’t really had the time alone required to spew out the stream of consciousness that you all know and love. To bring you all up to speed, I just got back from Lilongwe. I had gone in for Mid Service Training (uneventful) and then stayed for a week or so to do GLOW work, which is coming along well. There are ups and downs for sure (major up the 1.6 million Kwacha ($10,666) Vanessa and I squeezed out of Ministry of Education, downs attempting to organize 20 volunteers with very different personality types). Of course things are going to explode into a frenzy of final prep and logistics snafus but it’s going to be well worth it.
6-12-10
Untimely interruption. I cut off there as the electricity went out and I had to shut down my lap top ASAP. Perhaps you’re thinking that the whole purpose of the lap top is that it can run on battery power, and yes that is true, but after a year of faithful service my computer battery has copped it. I’m no electrician but there’s something different about the electrical current here and by different I mean when my hot plate is turned on it often shocks me like hot wire, not excruciating but jolting and annoying. Same thing happens with my I-Pod stereo, oh the trials and tribulations. I think the powerful Malawian electrical current is particularly draining on things like computer batteries but really it’s no matter as I am fortunate enough to have electricity I can still use my computer when the electricity is cooperating.
Of recently the electricity has been out a lot. Freddy attributes this to the World Cup, I can’t think of any logical reason the world cup would affect Malawian power but I am still inclined to blame the world cup for the inconvenience.
So updates on my life. Charity and Ama Bai are in Lilongwe, they’ve been there for I think two weeks now. Ama Bai went in for physical therapy, she had a mild stroke not long after I arrived here and as you can imagine it’s caused a whole host of health problems. At the top of the list would be her lack of mobility thus she’s doing physical therapy in Lilongwe. I went to go visit her in the hospital as we were both in Lilongwe at the same time. I have gotten pretty used to the state of disrepair that health facilities are in but it was disheartening to see where she was at given it was supposed to be a major improvement in the health care she’s receiving. As Charity is gone I have had a lot more down time since returning to Dwambazi. I miss Charity, I hope they make it back soon, they were supposed to be back yesterday but alas no.
I’ve kind of hit a wall with work at site, frankly I’ve been feeling discombobulated of recently, but I’m sure it will pass, I’ll get some traction and things will get moving again. Part of the challenge is that I am out so much for GLOW, it makes it difficult to get things going here. I can’t really commit to anything until after GLOW but GLOW is going to be amazing so it will be well worth it. Challenge number two which is probably the biggest challenge EVER is the disconnect between the district and local level, sweet god it’s a pain in the ass. Nkhotakota district assembly is an absolute shit show which creates a real break down in the service delivery chain and they are the institution that is supposed to support community based organizations (CBOs) and as they don’t have it together it makes it real difficult to get things together at the community level.
Wow that sounded negative, I’m just a little frustrated. But it will be okay, my plan of attack after GLOW is to work to improve the linkages between the district and Dwambazi and do capacity building with the CBOs. I’ve identified various well placed individuals who I think will be on board with getting things together.
My girls group, Women 2 Women is still amazing. In fact I am expecting Mevis and Enella anytime now, we are going to go collect various seeds that we are going to use to make necklaces. They’re really beautiful and I think a great way for the group to raise funds as they require almost no monetary input. Fear not you will be hearing more about this in the future because if the girls start making necklaces my plan is to ship some home, say to Bend or Hood River, and see if you can sell them.
The gay rights battle wages on, I’ll elaborate more at another time. As you can imagine I have a lot to say on the subject.
Peter is well, he had a very Sam moment the other day. As he was watering my plants while I was gone I gave him a little money to buy some new clothes at the market (by new clothes I mean goodwill clothes that get shipped over) which he was most excited about. So anyway off he went to pick out a shirt and some pants and he returned with the greatest outfit ever. A lovely pink long sleeved shirt and shorts, oh they are magical, those shorts. Think golf shorts, they are a soft purple plaid with some very nice gold inlay. I’ll be sure to take a picture soon. When it was just me and him, he looked at me with his big Peter smile and said, “Ndachena” meaning, “I’m looking nice”.
Uchi is also well, as per usual she’s right here with me taking a little dog nap. I can’t get over how big she is. I weighed her at scale yesterday and she is a whopping 16.5kg, roughly 32 pounds. One of these days soon I need someone to take a picture while I weigh her, as it involves wrapping her in a chitenge and then hanging her from the scale. Its pretty damn funny and it never fails to crack people up when she’s dangling there, like a baby. I don’t know if I mentioned the scale is the very sort of scale you would weigh meat with, if that helps give you a better picture of what this weighing process looks like.
I’ve been here a year, I don’t know if that sounds as surreal to you as it does to me? July 31st will make one year in Dwambazi. I guess my general feeling is that it’s gone incredibly fast but then again that would depend on what day you asked me. I have been away for a year, I’m still not sure what it make of it. Now begins the soul searching about what now. Do I extend my service for a third year? I’m certainly giving it a lot of thought. Do I look for work here or do I come home and look at grad programs?
I miss home, I miss you all, there are things missing in my life, things I left behind the absence of which I feel acutely but I’m still not sure I can leave my life here behind either. Mariel pointed out I’m a bit of a transient person and that much of my life those dearest to me were far away, so I suppose I am well suited to being able to be far from those I love.
I don’t know, it’s still too early to call it one way or the other. At this time my feeling is if I can find work that allows me to do something beneficial and productive, I’ll stay. Cause as much as I enjoy my life here, the jury’s still out on whether I am doing anything that is substantially improving people’s lives and that has got to change. I need something resembling an unequivocal yes.
I can’t believe I am actually going to write this but here goes. Another consideration to throw into the mix…..Sometimes I think I am really going to regret not having children, that perhaps it’s a decision that would say haunt me. Of course, as with all things I’m completely conflicted. Yes I think I will regret it if I miss out on raising children but I can’t say I think it’s a good idea for me to have kids, I fear the kind of parent I would be and why isn’t it enough to help children who desperately need it?
But assuming I do want to have children, this raises questions and concerns about extending my stay in Malawi. One I am fast approaching 30 with no job prospects in the immediate future and I need some sort of fiscal security if I am going to be responsible for small people. But that I actually think is the easiest hump to get over. I’m pretty confident I could parent successfully on a modest income and I am not uncomfortable with the idea of raising children abroad but I think it would be most unwise to parent without a strong support network, say like a partner. And the likelihood that I am going to stumble upon such a person here is highly unlikely. Of course my feeling is that one has little control over whether they find a partner or not regardless of where they are. I’ve seen too many folks tie themselves in knots trying to “find” the person to spend the rest of their lives with but that having been said being here just reduces the probability say one hundred fold. I suppose it will all come out in the wash, I’ll either find myself in a future that makes children possible or I won’t. It hurts my head to try to sort it out much more than that but I figured I’d throw it out there as it’s been on my mind.
I have completed ONE YEAR of Peace Corps service! Go me! It has been a year that despite my best attempts eludes description. I appreciate all of you beautiful people who have bravely followed my attempts to narrate my life, you’re amazing. And just think we have a whole another year of blogging joy.
6-17-10
Magical Moments…..About a month ago this happened…..
I was hanging out with Sauda, I had her with me for quite some time, so I figured I’d better take her back to Ama Chimbuto as she was probably due for a little breast feeding. I arrived at the Chimbuto’s house where I found Ama and a small gathering of women. The following exchange took place in Tonga and it went a little something like this.
Me, “I brought Sauda because she wants to nurse”
Ama, (laughs) “Why didn’t you just nurse her”
Me, (laughing), “I’m without milk” said while patting my breast
Everyone laughing
Ama (stands up), “Lets see”
I saw it coming. I figured it was only a matter of time before Ama publicly disrobed me, it’s just her style. I love Ama Chimbuto she cracks my shit up, she’s funny and pretty crass, in a good way.
Anyway she walks over to me, (remember there is an audience for this event) pulls down my shirt, then pulls down my bra thus leaving my right breast flying free and pronounces my breasts to be “m’be yampha”, “nice boobs”. She then thrusts Sauda at my exposed milkless boob. Thankfully Sauda is too old to be attempt to nurse off of just anyone, so it was all for show. I, like all those present, found it to be exceptionally amusing, hope you do as well.
6-22-10
Been doing a little light reading these days, I’m simultaneously going through The Fate of Africa: A History of Fifty Years of Independence and Dead Aid: Why Aid is Not Working and How there is a Better Way for Africa. The Fate of Africa is a light hearted 700 page read chronicling colonial Africa to present day. It’s actually been quite informative and seems to be reasonably objective, I have yet to sniff out any hidden agendas or glaring biases. It sometimes teeters on the edge of the all too common practice of portraying Africa as a continent full of nothing but misery, suffering, corruption, and greed but it generally comes back from the precipice and as compared to most of what is written about the continent it does a decent job. It has heightened my distaste for international politics and left me with an indescribable level of disgust with foreign policy; how the decisions of individual men and sadly sometimes women (thanks Mrs. Thatcher), often blinded by lust for power or dogmatic worldviews, put in place policies, the consequences of which they are so far removed from that they perpetuate suffering, violence, and general violation of human rights on a massive scale. The ramifications although costing millions of lives, will never be felt by those inept morons who made the call in the first place.
I decided to undertake reading it while I was reading Dead Aid as Ms. Moyo in making her case for why aid is fundamentally flawed and thus explores the history of aid across the continent so I wanted a better context to put her argument in. Frankly I think Ms. Moyo has been drinking the kool aid at Goldman Sachs for too long. Granted I’m only just now getting to her “better way for Africa” and she employs a lot of economics jargon which can make for some tough going. Her whole discussion of “Dutch Disease” left me with a throbbing headache and little understanding of how or why it’s a problem and how aid exacerbates it.
That having been said some of her critic of aid is certainly valid as well as timely and needed. There should be a massive rethinking of how aid is delivered and programs are implemented. I just feel that Ms. Moyo takes her argument well beyond sense and reason and takes her reader on a tour of crazy land. I believe she is of the Chicago School of Economics which generally spells trouble and a burning love a market based solutions pursued with the single mindedness of a religious zealot . When you find yourself using Sudan as an example of the magic of free markets, I think your vision of the way forward has some fundamental flaws. Pretty sure when I dream of a better world it doesn’t look like West Darfur.
6-27-10
Back from my shortest stay in Lilongwe ever. I will be returning in two days time but I needed to come back to check up on my girls group and pick up the necklaces they are making so I can attempt to sell them in Lilongwe and there is a meeting or two that I should go to. Really from now until GLOW is over I am going to be out of site more often than not so I thought I should come back even if only for a few days. The only inconvenience is that traveling between my site and Lilongwe is a day long procedure that really takes it out of you. Which brings me to the following:
Advice to Travelers…….If you find yourself traveling in a developing country, say like Malawi, that has horrendous public transport and you are so fortunate to have a car at your disposal then for the sake of all things holy and sacred, pick people up. It’s not that hard, really I swear.
As for safety, sure you might want to avoid the visibly drunk guy, but the two girls on their way to school, or say a slightly grubby wind swept Peace Corps volunteer, I think you’ll be okay. In a county like Malawi nearly all forms of transport are glorified forms of hitch hiking so someone standing by the side of the road looking for a ride is not a deviation from the norm, it isn’t a red flag that perhaps something is wrong with that person, it is how people get around. Whatever decision you make just be sure never to be party to the following scenario.
A couple weeks ago I was going to my friend Melanie’s site, some 30 km north of my house. As it is such a short distance I am more than comfortable hopping in a matola as waiting for a hitch isn’t cost effective or time efficient but while waiting for a matola I will always attempt to flag down private vehicles that are passing.
This is exactly what I did when I saw a flashy pick up with a completely empty bed barreling in my direction. Even from a distance it was clear that this was a vehicle manned by tourists but sometimes tourists remember to pack their souls and sense of decency when traveling so I figured I had a fighting chance.
What then happened filled me with such a sense of rage that it defies description. Had I been able to summon the power of super speed I would have chased that truck down and kicked their asses. Truthfully I considered it even without any extraordinary abilities. Whenever some tourist flys past me in their fancy rental vehicle without so much as a apologetic shake of the head I generally am left with a feeling of great displeasure. When that tourist flys past me, sans any sort of eye contact but has the audacity to take my picture, I discovered that I am filled with a homicidal rage.
Really you spoiled little piece of shit, that’s how it’s going to be. Let me tell you something you little worm, I do not want to be on your face book page. “Here are all my pictures of when I was traveling around Africa, look at all those poor people”, “see how worldly I am”, “Oh heres a picture of that person we left standing by the side of the road”. I swear to you, you smarmy little bastard if I ever find you I will give you an earful about why you are a sub standard human being and a kick in the balls just for good measure.
Had to get that out of my system. I could keep going but I think I would be better advised to channel and transform the hot ball of anger at the core of my being caused by inane and discourteous tourists into fiery passionate language about the need for women’s empowerment and work on the final phase of the GLOW curriculum. The curriculum is finished I am just doing some revision and expansion to get it as solid as possible. We are trying to get the curriculum certified by the Ministry of Education. What that means is if the Ministry of Education’s Life Skills Curriculum programmers sign off on our curriculum it will be considered an official government approved curriculum. To have our program be recognized in such a way is a huge accomplishment which goes beyond just this year’s GLOW. If our program is approved by Ministry of Education it would mean a secure source of funding. Not a crazy rush for funds from year to year but a consistent known partner. Furthermore it means that Camp GLOW will survive beyond Peace Corps. At this time Peace Corps volunteers make the program happen, if we were gone the program would be no more. If we get our very awesome program certified then that curriculum is part of the government’s bag of tricks then even if Peace Corps is gone they can still use it. Way to go team!
6-29-10
I feel like a horrible person. I thought coming back to site for a few days and then returning to Lilongwe might be a good thing. You know show people I can go to Lilongwe without staying for weeks and I had to pick up the necklaces my girls group is making but damn I think coming and then going again so quickly backfired. I got the necklaces, although my girls weren’t as on top of it as I would have hoped, we’ll have to chat when I get back. And people were pleased that I returned swiftly and efficiently but they seemed equally dismayed when I revealed that I would be leaving so soon and now on the eve of my departure I feel shitty.
Also it’s Sauda’s birthday and I don’t feel like I gave it proper acknowledgement. I’ve been running around all day trying to get things together and I think Ama Chimbuto was disappointed that I didn’t make a bigger fuss over Sauda, which is totally fair, Sauda deserves all the attention in the world for her first birthday. And Ama has been kind enough to let me pack Sauda around to my hearts content and refers to me as her baba mother so I’m pretty sure I failed. I’ll make up for it when I return.
I know that once I get through GLOW I’ll be able to put all of my time and energy into site and that surely this will all work out. GLOW is going to be amazing and I know I am doing something decent by participating in it. I’ll have a whole year in Dwambazi, I just have to get through August.
I believe I’m having an angsty freak out because part of me worries that this has been a common theme ye’ this past year and perhaps come August I won’t deliver or that it will be too late, that people will have written me off as all talk no show. Take a deep breath Megan, stop the anxiety hemorrhage, you’re gonna make it.
Like how I talked myself down there, charming I know. I’m trying to think of a humorous or light hearted tale to share with you. Particularly to make up for the fact that I just vomited my angst all over those of you who are so kind as to keep up on the comings and goings in my life. Alas I’m coming up short, perhaps it’s best to call it a night, continue on with The Fate of Africa, and wake up bright and early tomorrow and prepare for a big day of travel.
As I expected the moment I took the time and considerable effort to get my computer out the rain would stop. Rainy season has come and gone but this morning we are being treated to an unanticipated out of season rain. It actually reminds me a bit of Portland in the spring, it’s cold and drizzly. Mind you by cold I mean it’s probably 65 degrees perhaps even 68 at worst I would put it at 60 but no doubt it’s much warmer. As one acclimates to the scorching temperatures here in Dwambazi, they lose their capacity to be any sort of judge of temperature. All I know is whatever the temperature may or may not be it feels damned cold to me.
The rain has resumed, I suspect it’s going to be an on and off again sort of a rain but however light the rain may be it will ensure that no one comes to the hospital, thus affording me the opportunity to collect my thoughts and try to get some back log blogging done. I am sure you all noticed my lack of blog postings and perhaps you have wondered why.
For the last couple of months my schedule has been, Charity comes over after dinner, we practice a little Tonga or just chat, or we have a movie night. Oh the movie nights, we have exhausted my limited supply of movies which is a shame as I enjoy movie nights. Actually that’s a lie; we are still on our way through the BBC special Planet Earth, which Alex left behind and has been a lot of fun to watch together.
Most films that come into Malawi are of the action variety, charming little numbers that uphold heinous gender norms and are chocked full of violence, so it’s nice to be able to offer entertainment that has some educational value and say in the case of the Never Ending Story is full of just pure joy. The Never Ending Story was a big hit, we’ve watched it a couple of times. A surprise hit was none other than Robin Hood Men in Tights. I wasn’t sure if it would go over well but indeed it was much enjoyed.
Bringing this all back to my absence of blogs, I haven’t really had the time alone required to spew out the stream of consciousness that you all know and love. To bring you all up to speed, I just got back from Lilongwe. I had gone in for Mid Service Training (uneventful) and then stayed for a week or so to do GLOW work, which is coming along well. There are ups and downs for sure (major up the 1.6 million Kwacha ($10,666) Vanessa and I squeezed out of Ministry of Education, downs attempting to organize 20 volunteers with very different personality types). Of course things are going to explode into a frenzy of final prep and logistics snafus but it’s going to be well worth it.
6-12-10
Untimely interruption. I cut off there as the electricity went out and I had to shut down my lap top ASAP. Perhaps you’re thinking that the whole purpose of the lap top is that it can run on battery power, and yes that is true, but after a year of faithful service my computer battery has copped it. I’m no electrician but there’s something different about the electrical current here and by different I mean when my hot plate is turned on it often shocks me like hot wire, not excruciating but jolting and annoying. Same thing happens with my I-Pod stereo, oh the trials and tribulations. I think the powerful Malawian electrical current is particularly draining on things like computer batteries but really it’s no matter as I am fortunate enough to have electricity I can still use my computer when the electricity is cooperating.
Of recently the electricity has been out a lot. Freddy attributes this to the World Cup, I can’t think of any logical reason the world cup would affect Malawian power but I am still inclined to blame the world cup for the inconvenience.
So updates on my life. Charity and Ama Bai are in Lilongwe, they’ve been there for I think two weeks now. Ama Bai went in for physical therapy, she had a mild stroke not long after I arrived here and as you can imagine it’s caused a whole host of health problems. At the top of the list would be her lack of mobility thus she’s doing physical therapy in Lilongwe. I went to go visit her in the hospital as we were both in Lilongwe at the same time. I have gotten pretty used to the state of disrepair that health facilities are in but it was disheartening to see where she was at given it was supposed to be a major improvement in the health care she’s receiving. As Charity is gone I have had a lot more down time since returning to Dwambazi. I miss Charity, I hope they make it back soon, they were supposed to be back yesterday but alas no.
I’ve kind of hit a wall with work at site, frankly I’ve been feeling discombobulated of recently, but I’m sure it will pass, I’ll get some traction and things will get moving again. Part of the challenge is that I am out so much for GLOW, it makes it difficult to get things going here. I can’t really commit to anything until after GLOW but GLOW is going to be amazing so it will be well worth it. Challenge number two which is probably the biggest challenge EVER is the disconnect between the district and local level, sweet god it’s a pain in the ass. Nkhotakota district assembly is an absolute shit show which creates a real break down in the service delivery chain and they are the institution that is supposed to support community based organizations (CBOs) and as they don’t have it together it makes it real difficult to get things together at the community level.
Wow that sounded negative, I’m just a little frustrated. But it will be okay, my plan of attack after GLOW is to work to improve the linkages between the district and Dwambazi and do capacity building with the CBOs. I’ve identified various well placed individuals who I think will be on board with getting things together.
My girls group, Women 2 Women is still amazing. In fact I am expecting Mevis and Enella anytime now, we are going to go collect various seeds that we are going to use to make necklaces. They’re really beautiful and I think a great way for the group to raise funds as they require almost no monetary input. Fear not you will be hearing more about this in the future because if the girls start making necklaces my plan is to ship some home, say to Bend or Hood River, and see if you can sell them.
The gay rights battle wages on, I’ll elaborate more at another time. As you can imagine I have a lot to say on the subject.
Peter is well, he had a very Sam moment the other day. As he was watering my plants while I was gone I gave him a little money to buy some new clothes at the market (by new clothes I mean goodwill clothes that get shipped over) which he was most excited about. So anyway off he went to pick out a shirt and some pants and he returned with the greatest outfit ever. A lovely pink long sleeved shirt and shorts, oh they are magical, those shorts. Think golf shorts, they are a soft purple plaid with some very nice gold inlay. I’ll be sure to take a picture soon. When it was just me and him, he looked at me with his big Peter smile and said, “Ndachena” meaning, “I’m looking nice”.
Uchi is also well, as per usual she’s right here with me taking a little dog nap. I can’t get over how big she is. I weighed her at scale yesterday and she is a whopping 16.5kg, roughly 32 pounds. One of these days soon I need someone to take a picture while I weigh her, as it involves wrapping her in a chitenge and then hanging her from the scale. Its pretty damn funny and it never fails to crack people up when she’s dangling there, like a baby. I don’t know if I mentioned the scale is the very sort of scale you would weigh meat with, if that helps give you a better picture of what this weighing process looks like.
I’ve been here a year, I don’t know if that sounds as surreal to you as it does to me? July 31st will make one year in Dwambazi. I guess my general feeling is that it’s gone incredibly fast but then again that would depend on what day you asked me. I have been away for a year, I’m still not sure what it make of it. Now begins the soul searching about what now. Do I extend my service for a third year? I’m certainly giving it a lot of thought. Do I look for work here or do I come home and look at grad programs?
I miss home, I miss you all, there are things missing in my life, things I left behind the absence of which I feel acutely but I’m still not sure I can leave my life here behind either. Mariel pointed out I’m a bit of a transient person and that much of my life those dearest to me were far away, so I suppose I am well suited to being able to be far from those I love.
I don’t know, it’s still too early to call it one way or the other. At this time my feeling is if I can find work that allows me to do something beneficial and productive, I’ll stay. Cause as much as I enjoy my life here, the jury’s still out on whether I am doing anything that is substantially improving people’s lives and that has got to change. I need something resembling an unequivocal yes.
I can’t believe I am actually going to write this but here goes. Another consideration to throw into the mix…..Sometimes I think I am really going to regret not having children, that perhaps it’s a decision that would say haunt me. Of course, as with all things I’m completely conflicted. Yes I think I will regret it if I miss out on raising children but I can’t say I think it’s a good idea for me to have kids, I fear the kind of parent I would be and why isn’t it enough to help children who desperately need it?
But assuming I do want to have children, this raises questions and concerns about extending my stay in Malawi. One I am fast approaching 30 with no job prospects in the immediate future and I need some sort of fiscal security if I am going to be responsible for small people. But that I actually think is the easiest hump to get over. I’m pretty confident I could parent successfully on a modest income and I am not uncomfortable with the idea of raising children abroad but I think it would be most unwise to parent without a strong support network, say like a partner. And the likelihood that I am going to stumble upon such a person here is highly unlikely. Of course my feeling is that one has little control over whether they find a partner or not regardless of where they are. I’ve seen too many folks tie themselves in knots trying to “find” the person to spend the rest of their lives with but that having been said being here just reduces the probability say one hundred fold. I suppose it will all come out in the wash, I’ll either find myself in a future that makes children possible or I won’t. It hurts my head to try to sort it out much more than that but I figured I’d throw it out there as it’s been on my mind.
I have completed ONE YEAR of Peace Corps service! Go me! It has been a year that despite my best attempts eludes description. I appreciate all of you beautiful people who have bravely followed my attempts to narrate my life, you’re amazing. And just think we have a whole another year of blogging joy.
6-17-10
Magical Moments…..About a month ago this happened…..
I was hanging out with Sauda, I had her with me for quite some time, so I figured I’d better take her back to Ama Chimbuto as she was probably due for a little breast feeding. I arrived at the Chimbuto’s house where I found Ama and a small gathering of women. The following exchange took place in Tonga and it went a little something like this.
Me, “I brought Sauda because she wants to nurse”
Ama, (laughs) “Why didn’t you just nurse her”
Me, (laughing), “I’m without milk” said while patting my breast
Everyone laughing
Ama (stands up), “Lets see”
I saw it coming. I figured it was only a matter of time before Ama publicly disrobed me, it’s just her style. I love Ama Chimbuto she cracks my shit up, she’s funny and pretty crass, in a good way.
Anyway she walks over to me, (remember there is an audience for this event) pulls down my shirt, then pulls down my bra thus leaving my right breast flying free and pronounces my breasts to be “m’be yampha”, “nice boobs”. She then thrusts Sauda at my exposed milkless boob. Thankfully Sauda is too old to be attempt to nurse off of just anyone, so it was all for show. I, like all those present, found it to be exceptionally amusing, hope you do as well.
6-22-10
Been doing a little light reading these days, I’m simultaneously going through The Fate of Africa: A History of Fifty Years of Independence and Dead Aid: Why Aid is Not Working and How there is a Better Way for Africa. The Fate of Africa is a light hearted 700 page read chronicling colonial Africa to present day. It’s actually been quite informative and seems to be reasonably objective, I have yet to sniff out any hidden agendas or glaring biases. It sometimes teeters on the edge of the all too common practice of portraying Africa as a continent full of nothing but misery, suffering, corruption, and greed but it generally comes back from the precipice and as compared to most of what is written about the continent it does a decent job. It has heightened my distaste for international politics and left me with an indescribable level of disgust with foreign policy; how the decisions of individual men and sadly sometimes women (thanks Mrs. Thatcher), often blinded by lust for power or dogmatic worldviews, put in place policies, the consequences of which they are so far removed from that they perpetuate suffering, violence, and general violation of human rights on a massive scale. The ramifications although costing millions of lives, will never be felt by those inept morons who made the call in the first place.
I decided to undertake reading it while I was reading Dead Aid as Ms. Moyo in making her case for why aid is fundamentally flawed and thus explores the history of aid across the continent so I wanted a better context to put her argument in. Frankly I think Ms. Moyo has been drinking the kool aid at Goldman Sachs for too long. Granted I’m only just now getting to her “better way for Africa” and she employs a lot of economics jargon which can make for some tough going. Her whole discussion of “Dutch Disease” left me with a throbbing headache and little understanding of how or why it’s a problem and how aid exacerbates it.
That having been said some of her critic of aid is certainly valid as well as timely and needed. There should be a massive rethinking of how aid is delivered and programs are implemented. I just feel that Ms. Moyo takes her argument well beyond sense and reason and takes her reader on a tour of crazy land. I believe she is of the Chicago School of Economics which generally spells trouble and a burning love a market based solutions pursued with the single mindedness of a religious zealot . When you find yourself using Sudan as an example of the magic of free markets, I think your vision of the way forward has some fundamental flaws. Pretty sure when I dream of a better world it doesn’t look like West Darfur.
6-27-10
Back from my shortest stay in Lilongwe ever. I will be returning in two days time but I needed to come back to check up on my girls group and pick up the necklaces they are making so I can attempt to sell them in Lilongwe and there is a meeting or two that I should go to. Really from now until GLOW is over I am going to be out of site more often than not so I thought I should come back even if only for a few days. The only inconvenience is that traveling between my site and Lilongwe is a day long procedure that really takes it out of you. Which brings me to the following:
Advice to Travelers…….If you find yourself traveling in a developing country, say like Malawi, that has horrendous public transport and you are so fortunate to have a car at your disposal then for the sake of all things holy and sacred, pick people up. It’s not that hard, really I swear.
As for safety, sure you might want to avoid the visibly drunk guy, but the two girls on their way to school, or say a slightly grubby wind swept Peace Corps volunteer, I think you’ll be okay. In a county like Malawi nearly all forms of transport are glorified forms of hitch hiking so someone standing by the side of the road looking for a ride is not a deviation from the norm, it isn’t a red flag that perhaps something is wrong with that person, it is how people get around. Whatever decision you make just be sure never to be party to the following scenario.
A couple weeks ago I was going to my friend Melanie’s site, some 30 km north of my house. As it is such a short distance I am more than comfortable hopping in a matola as waiting for a hitch isn’t cost effective or time efficient but while waiting for a matola I will always attempt to flag down private vehicles that are passing.
This is exactly what I did when I saw a flashy pick up with a completely empty bed barreling in my direction. Even from a distance it was clear that this was a vehicle manned by tourists but sometimes tourists remember to pack their souls and sense of decency when traveling so I figured I had a fighting chance.
What then happened filled me with such a sense of rage that it defies description. Had I been able to summon the power of super speed I would have chased that truck down and kicked their asses. Truthfully I considered it even without any extraordinary abilities. Whenever some tourist flys past me in their fancy rental vehicle without so much as a apologetic shake of the head I generally am left with a feeling of great displeasure. When that tourist flys past me, sans any sort of eye contact but has the audacity to take my picture, I discovered that I am filled with a homicidal rage.
Really you spoiled little piece of shit, that’s how it’s going to be. Let me tell you something you little worm, I do not want to be on your face book page. “Here are all my pictures of when I was traveling around Africa, look at all those poor people”, “see how worldly I am”, “Oh heres a picture of that person we left standing by the side of the road”. I swear to you, you smarmy little bastard if I ever find you I will give you an earful about why you are a sub standard human being and a kick in the balls just for good measure.
Had to get that out of my system. I could keep going but I think I would be better advised to channel and transform the hot ball of anger at the core of my being caused by inane and discourteous tourists into fiery passionate language about the need for women’s empowerment and work on the final phase of the GLOW curriculum. The curriculum is finished I am just doing some revision and expansion to get it as solid as possible. We are trying to get the curriculum certified by the Ministry of Education. What that means is if the Ministry of Education’s Life Skills Curriculum programmers sign off on our curriculum it will be considered an official government approved curriculum. To have our program be recognized in such a way is a huge accomplishment which goes beyond just this year’s GLOW. If our program is approved by Ministry of Education it would mean a secure source of funding. Not a crazy rush for funds from year to year but a consistent known partner. Furthermore it means that Camp GLOW will survive beyond Peace Corps. At this time Peace Corps volunteers make the program happen, if we were gone the program would be no more. If we get our very awesome program certified then that curriculum is part of the government’s bag of tricks then even if Peace Corps is gone they can still use it. Way to go team!
6-29-10
I feel like a horrible person. I thought coming back to site for a few days and then returning to Lilongwe might be a good thing. You know show people I can go to Lilongwe without staying for weeks and I had to pick up the necklaces my girls group is making but damn I think coming and then going again so quickly backfired. I got the necklaces, although my girls weren’t as on top of it as I would have hoped, we’ll have to chat when I get back. And people were pleased that I returned swiftly and efficiently but they seemed equally dismayed when I revealed that I would be leaving so soon and now on the eve of my departure I feel shitty.
Also it’s Sauda’s birthday and I don’t feel like I gave it proper acknowledgement. I’ve been running around all day trying to get things together and I think Ama Chimbuto was disappointed that I didn’t make a bigger fuss over Sauda, which is totally fair, Sauda deserves all the attention in the world for her first birthday. And Ama has been kind enough to let me pack Sauda around to my hearts content and refers to me as her baba mother so I’m pretty sure I failed. I’ll make up for it when I return.
I know that once I get through GLOW I’ll be able to put all of my time and energy into site and that surely this will all work out. GLOW is going to be amazing and I know I am doing something decent by participating in it. I’ll have a whole year in Dwambazi, I just have to get through August.
I believe I’m having an angsty freak out because part of me worries that this has been a common theme ye’ this past year and perhaps come August I won’t deliver or that it will be too late, that people will have written me off as all talk no show. Take a deep breath Megan, stop the anxiety hemorrhage, you’re gonna make it.
Like how I talked myself down there, charming I know. I’m trying to think of a humorous or light hearted tale to share with you. Particularly to make up for the fact that I just vomited my angst all over those of you who are so kind as to keep up on the comings and goings in my life. Alas I’m coming up short, perhaps it’s best to call it a night, continue on with The Fate of Africa, and wake up bright and early tomorrow and prepare for a big day of travel.
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